UUUUGH!!!

My husband has no guilt reflex. He can't have one,it doesn't seem to be a possibility for him. He has no weakness for puppies with their puppy eyes (or me with mine for that matter), and crying children do not fill him with a need to make them feel better (except for our son, and only when he's seriously hurt and I'm not around), and the sight of me crying, especially after he has said something especially well barbed, nothing; at least nothing that I can see anyway. It's like he's a fortress of steel or something. We had a fight (sort of) TWO DAYS AGO and he's still not deemed me worthy of his forgiveness, today he didn't say a word to me, besides what was necessary, and he's hardly looked at me. I f this keeps up, I feel like I might get depressed from being so upset for so long. I have a headache, a literal headache, from crinkling up my eyebrows because I'm so worried about it all.

So, what did I do about it all?

I ate cake. Well, I also finished a book that turned out to be sad, and happy all at once and that made me cry and then I ate some cake (a yummy strawberry shortcake/cheesecake thingy my mamaw made) but halfway through my cake my husband walked out the door (I swear as long as I've been in the living room today he has been walking out the damn front door to smoke on purpose, just so I have to look at him and feel guilty all over again) and him walking out the door made me upset, which, ofcourse made me cry. I hate being a human waterfaucet! I swear! I feel sad, I cry; really happy, I cry; mad, I cry! my emotions are connected to my freaking tear ducts! To make it all worse I can't talk and cry at the same time. I try and its unintelligeable, I croak, and no one can understand a single word. So therefore, I can't tell my husband what's wrong, I never win a fight, and I was a complete wuss in school because all somebody had to do was say one mean, hurtful thing and I became a water fountain (though there was one time I snapped and started yelling at two preppy girls, but that's another story).

So basically, I am a social introvert. My husband has to force me to join a conversation, even when I know the people we're talking to (though sometimes I don't talk for other reasons, like when I'm around my asshole brother-in-law who thinks he knows everything and whos favorite pastime is taking cracks at me and generally lowering my already low self-esteem into non-existence while my husband looks on because he thinks it doesn't bother me). I also don't do too well on in-class participation, and on presentations. Basically any form of public speaking with an audience of more that five or six i get nervous about. I guess you could say I have cronic uncureable stage fright, I even took classes, (let's just say that my public speaking professor probably now believes that there really are people who cannot be cured). I probably have about as much self-esteem as a mosquito. In fact, I was shocked, absolutely stunned, when my husband first told me that I was pretty. I had never, before then, thought of myself as even remotely pretty, except maybe when I was little and my mom told me. But when this amazing man told me, and even when he tells me now, that I am hot, I was blown away from the thought.

God. Its late. well goodnight dear readers, I'm off into the fray of marriage to see if I can possibly patch things up; wish me luck!

Bye bye!